Shattered Love Yet Divine

 To be the only one in love is like searching for the sun rays to warm you up in an open area where cold winds are blowing..

Loving someone is one of the most vulnerable positions in which you can be. You open your heart to another person and your best wish for him or her is to love you in return.

Unfortunately, love isn’t always reciprocated, and it doesn’t always end in happily ever after.

I had to learn this hard truth, and chances are, you’re reading this because you have, too.

Sometimes, love isn’t a feeling you force upon yourself; it just happens.

                      

When you start to spend more time with another human being, you expose yourself to whom he or she is — all the idiosyncrasies, past experiences, what makes him or her happy or sad, dreams and ambitions in life, flaws and the depths of his or her heart.

And you, in return, divulge your deepest secrets and desires. They know what it takes to make you laugh or feel special, and you build new memories together that make any torment of the past that much easier to bear. It makes you feel hopeful, and before you know it, you’re in love.

It is an incredibly vulnerable position because to me, loving someone entails giving away parts of yourself you lock up from the rest of the world.

We all have stories to which we quietly hold tightly and when you are finally able to reveal this to another person, it is a true sign of trust and a whole new level of intimacy.

Everything changes the moment you look at a person differently. You start to notice intricate details you didn’t before, like the curve of his or her lips, the frown line above his or her eyebrows and the way he or she laughs.

You realize how much you adore this person and what you would do to move mountains for him or her. Then, your heart starts to palpitate, fingers start to shake and it dawns on you that the next step won’t be easy — the declaration.

This is the scariest part. You either free your soul and spill, or die in torment to salvage whatever relationship you have. If you know for sure that how you feel is mutual, there is absolutely no risk involved. Otherwise, it is an excruciating experience that might make you wish you were hit by a truck.

• Rejection

The part where they tell you that they don't feel the same way or can’t date you for whatever reasons or is not ready to be in a relationship can be painful to hear. But, the reason is irrelevant — it still f*cking sucks.

Rejection is not pretty. It hurts. It brings on an onslaught of tears, heartache and self-loathing. This is the part where your shattered heart will start to ask questions like, “Why doesn’t he/she love me?” and your brain does this bullsh*t thing where it answers with, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loveable” or “I’m worthless.”

       Then, you have to deal with the “giving each other space” thing so you can stay friends or “never see each other ever again” because it’s awkward. It’s almost like a breakup! Then, you mourn the person’s absence and wonder if he or she thinks of you, too.

Subsequently, you get even more depressed by the very thought of you being all emotional while they are probably off with someone better. Then, you wonder if he or she cares at all, even just a little bit. And then, you feel sorry for yourself.

After some time to grieve weeks or maybe even months, you might be able to wake up in the morning and breathe clearly again because it didn’t hurt so much.

You start doing the “I’m working on me” thing and it distracts you for a bit, but a song might come that reminds you of him or her, or someone asks you about that person, and the pain bleeds through the cracks of your trying-to-mend heart.

You want to call them just to see how they are, but maybe that’s too much. You have news to share with this person, like  something interesting that happened, but maybe that’s too much, as well.

The worst thing that could happen is a relapse. And, you’re stuck with the feeling of “will this ever get better?”

You move on with your life, fearing you’ll never open your heart that way again. You also fear no one will be able to steal your heart again.

Perhaps the sun will shine over the dark clouds one day and you will have your moments of hope and faith that it will get better soon. Faith that it will all make sense.

You didn’t understand because in your eyes, the two of you would have been an unstoppable force and an amazing love story. You wish that he or she could see the beautiful world through your lenses  a romance entangled with heated debates and bad fights.

I came to understand that you cannot make someone fall in love with you. But by arguing, pleading, screaming, crying, phoning a lot and buying gifts and doing unsolicited favors and remembering a birthday and being nice and declaring your abiding love and trying hard or sometimes merely by being present, you can make someone who was hitherto lukewarm really detest you. [Excerpt from the book " him her him again the end of him"]

The truth is, he or she will never understand. He or she will never understand how happy you could have made him or her or how it feels to be loved by you. And that, in the end, is the saddest, most painful part of it all.

• How to Seek Help During These Phase

 To a lot of people, even though this is matter of great personal importance, seeking help is seen as an weak option. Your ego doesn't allow you to openly seek help regarding rejection out of fear of exposing your vulnerabilities. Therefore, what they rely is on unsolicited advice.

Unsolicited advice is someone giving you advice because they have heard you're going through some shit. They have no actual data or details about your problem,just an idea.The problem with unsolicited advice is that it lacks the seriousness required to solve your problem. Firstly, in order to actually solve your problem, a person would have to have a helpful perspective. Secondly, they would require personal details about you to figure out an appropriate solution for you that addresses what you want, the reality of the world, and the bulls***t you might be telling yourself.

A person giving you unsolicited help ignores almost all of this. They give you information that is based on what they think, what they want to do, and what they probably do. They are mostly interested in how their advice makes them look like in your eyes. Their focus is on the impression they are making, not the solution . They might actually not even care , because the gravity of the situation has not been communicated to them. So, unsolicited advice, more often than not , turns out be useless.

Your loved ones, on the other hand, are even worse; chances are they might say, You are special, you will get a better boy/girl next time. And even if nobody says that to you, your own mind will lead you to it after a while. After all, we refuse to accept we don't deserve the best for ourselves in the spirit of self-importance. Your friends might also slander the person who rejected you: He/She didn't deserved you. I never liked her/him. I always had a bad feeling about him/her. To make you happy they will denigrate the person who rejected you and raise you to sainthood. They bulls**t, which is why these statements doesn't really make sense to you on a personal level. The truth, is, the reason why you liked that person is because they are special in your mind ; and you remain hurt because they don't like you back.

  We don't often get many insightful and helpful perspectives from people around us. Those who do are lucky. So, instead of focussing on how to deal with rejections, we should look at the source of our expectations, then maybe we can save ourselves from this self repeating cycle of falling for the wrong people, and getting hurt by rejection.

•  How should you sensibly see rejections from those you desire?

The truth is, you don't have any real data why you got rejected. In the absence of any data, you let your insecurities fill in all the reasons for why you got rejected. What you're supposed to do is, leave at it: you don't have any real data. You don't know why. Stop making it personal because you have nothing better to do. You don't know the nature of their wants, their influences, degree of intelligence, who they think they are, who they actually are, and if they know who they actually are. Therefore rejection from people should mean jack-shit to you.

      Have you ever rejected someone romantically? Even if it required as little effort as swiping your finger, think of how much thought and time went behind it. What were the parameters you were considering behind accepting or rejecting? How stupidly vague, impersonal and shallow were those parameters? That's how much thought goes behind rejecting someone. Not much. How can you take a rejection personally when it doesn't take more than a few seconds to happen? Do you think your whole existence can be understood, judged and adequately summarised in a matter of seconds? No!

     Being rejected by someone is not a statement on you. You have no data , you can not have that data. For you to know, you would have to be able to read their minds. There is a possibility that they have no idea what they are looking for in a relationship and from a partner; they are just probably following their instincts. Or let's say, they do know what they are looking for: there is a possibility they have no idea whether is good for them or bad. What matters is , do you know what you are looking for, do you know with certainty that it is good for you?

• How To Look For The Right Person

The answer to this decides what type of person you would want to bring in your life. The truth is, the more you know yourself, the more power you have to make a better choice. After all you can employ that knowledge about yourself- What kind of person would be best suited for who I am and then look for only such people.

   Now in all fairness, nobody expects you to know yourself a hundred per cent. You're changing with time and experiences, and discovering new thing about yourself. So to make even a half decent choice, the answer to "who you are" should be somewhere between where you are right now and where you want to be; in short somewhere between reality and aspiration.

     What's the reality? Most people have no idea nor inclination to find out who they are. What they have is either a completely crazy idea about themselves- a fantasy character or an aspirational idea about themselves which doesn't take practical reality in account.

 

     An example of the first type is, I am a fucking stud: this moron thinks he is no less than Hrithik Roshan and girls should be dying at his feet. Another example is, I am queen: this moron thinks she is royalty or a Bollywood diva. The problem is, a lot of people really believe their fantasy characters. And because they believe in them so much , they are working on making them real on a daily basis. Now imagine what kind of partner such people would be looking for?

    They have no self awareness, so what they look for is either attraction or validation of the bullsh*t they tell themselves. I deserve the hottest Person. I deserve a really rich guy. I deserve a person who will blindly believe in me.

   When rejected,people who live in a fantasy world think their fantasy character needs more work. I am not tall, I am not muscular, I am not charismatic, I don't look like that famous person, I don't have that body yet. I am less, inadequate and undeserving until I have these things.

   When people who think they are the best get rejected they simply blame the person. She is dumb. She doesn't get art. He was not intellectual. He was not on my level anyway. He wasn't smart enough.

If you want a decent level relationship, then you need to quit the bullshit of finding these fantasy people, the incredibly hot girl, or the guy from the movies who is always around. You need to be realistic. What you are looking now should be based on who you are right now and where you want to be.

     When you start to care about 'who you are' in a realistic manner, instead of blindly falling for people, you start caring about who they are.

    Attractions should only be an entry level qualification; it shouldn't be a deciding factor. There are millions of attractive people on the planet. So, the first question, is who are you? .

    This means who you are intellectually, sexually, emotionally and professionally. You can take all the time to figure out the first three, and it is up to you to do it. Nobody can do it on your behalf. The last part is who you are professionally, which you can find out by asking these questions:

1. What is my ambition? ( what do you want to become exactly? Where do you want to reach? )

2. What are my current goals? ( Short term and long term goals)

3. What is the routine I need to achieve my goal?

Now you ask the other person the same question, who are you?

   The first answer they will naturally go to is what they do, for example, I am an engineer. The second answer is whatever gives them an emotion or/and intellectual identity. They might cite city, race, religion, nationality, belief systems, ideologies, causes, etc. The third answer is the most important. It is data that deals with their choices, decisions and actions, to which you must pay serious attention. What they do as career doesn't matter. What they say they believe in doesn't fucking matter. How attractive they are means shit. It is what they have done and have been doing? Do these pattern suggest an approach of carelessness, destructiveness, impulsiveness, or of seriousness,self control and an attempt a stability.

  This approach ends your previous experiences with rejections as you aren't focused anymore on people that fascinate you with their appearance and popularity. On the contrary, you are now engaged silently or vocally, in rejecting people whose decisions, choices and actions seems either incompatible to yours, or disagreeable to you. Not only does this bring down the number of rejections by lot, the impact of rejections almost stops mattering to you. You're not playing the game of probability anymore. You are not desperately waving your flag to be accepted by anyone you desire.

   You have put the priorities of your life on top. If you do find such person but are met with rejection, the reminder that rejections are normal applies very aptly in that situation, as you must not forget, people are weird. It has nothing to do with you. What you have right now is a criteria, which is much better than having no criteria and certainly far better than chasing fantasy.